In our mothers’ day there were good mothers, indifferent mothers, and occasionally, great mothers. Today we have only Bad Mothers: If you work, you’re neglectful; if you stay home, you’re smothering. If you discipline, you’re buying them a spot on the shrink’s couch; if you let them run wild, they will be into drugs by seventh grade. Is it any wonder so many women refer to themselves at one time or another as a “bad mother”?
 
Writing with remarkable candor, and dispensing much hilarious and helpful advice along the way—Is breast best? What should you do when your daughter dresses up as a “ho” for Halloween?—Ayelet Waldman says it's time for women to get over it and get on with it in this wry, unflinchingly honest, and always insightful memoir on modern motherhood.

Book Description
In the tradition of recent hits like The Bitch in the House and Perfect Madness comes a hilarious and controversial book that every woman will have an opinion about, written by America’s most outrageous writer.

In our mothers’ day there were good mothers, neglectful mothers, and occasionally great mothers.

Today we have only Bad Mothers.

If you work, you’re neglectful; if you stay home, you’re smothering. If you discipline, you’re buying them a spot on the shrink’s couch; if you let them run wild, they will be into drugs by seventh grade. If you buy organic, you’re spending their college fund; if you don’t, you’re risking all sorts of allergies and illnesses.

Is it any wonder so many women refer to themselves at one time or another as “a bad mother”? Ayelet Waldman says it’s time for women to get over it and get on with it, in a book that is sure to spark the same level of controversy as her now legendary “Modern Love” piece, in which she confessed to loving her husband more than her children.

Covering topics as diverse as the hysteria of competitive parenting (Whose toddler can recite the planets in order from the sun?), the relentless pursuits of the Bad Mother police, balancing the work-family dynamic, and the bane of every mother’s existence (homework, that is), Bad Mother illuminates the anxieties that riddle motherhood today, while providing women with the encouragement they need to give themselves a break.

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A Q&A with Ayelet Waldman

Question: Why did you write this book?

Ayelet Waldman: Do you want the snarky answer or the real one?

Q:The real one...

AW: Because so many women I know are in real pain. They are so crippled by their guilt, by their unreasonable expectations, that they can’t even allow themselves to celebrate the true joys of being a mom. When your little girl curls up in bed with you and says, “Your hair always smells so good, Mama,” you should be able to melt with emotion without worrying about whether she’s reading at grade level.

Q: Do you think you’re a bad mother?

AW: Well, yes. Of course. I mean, that’s the whole problem. I feel like a bad mother, even when by all reasonable analysis I’m a perfectly fine mother. Hell, I went camping last month with the second grade. Camping. Me. A Jewish American Princess from New Jersey. Camping for me is staying in a Marriott, but I slept on the ground and ate toast burned over an open fire. And had fun.

Q: What is your definition of a good mother?

AW: As one of my interview subjects said, “A Good Mother remembers to serve fruit at breakfast, is always cheerful and never yells, manages not to project her own neuroses and inadequacies onto her children, is an active and beloved community volunteer. She remembers to make playdates, her children's clothes fit, she does art projects with them and enjoys all their games. And she is never too tired for sex.”

Q: Okay, so what do you consider the responsible, attainable ideal of a modern mother?

AW: One who loves her kids and does her level best not to damage them in any permanent way. A good mother doesn’t let herself be overcome by guilt when she screws up.

Q: How did your upbringing shape you as a mother?

AW: My mother drilled into me the importance of being a feminist, a woman with her own identity. But perhaps more important, she and my dad modeled a relationship that was entirely unequal... and didn’t work. I knew I wanted something different from what they had. So while I’ve made choices that made her feminist blood boil, I’ve also expected that my husband pull his share of the home and child labor. And that’s made all the difference.

Q: What advice would you give to mothers, today?

AW: Most important, learn to forgive yourself and the other mothers you know. Try to lay off the judgment. Just do your best and consider the rest a small donation on your part to therapists the world over. If we never messed up, what would they charge our children for?

Q: So what's the snarky answer to why you wrote Bad Mother?

AW: As a kind of f*** you to the insane Urban-Baby type moms who, after my New York Times piece on loving my husband more than my kids, sent me letters saying my children should be taken away from me and/or my husband would leave me for another woman. And especially to the woman on Oprah who leapt across the stage shouting, “Let me at her!” when I walked on that set. Yes, that really happened.

(Photo © Stephanie Rausser)

Usually I love this author, but this book was a no go. It actually made me feel bad about being a mother instead of good, and I assume the intention was the latter. I thought it would be funny, but it was droll and boring and demeaning.

Just started reading this book, but so far I have found it to be very entertaining. It is a great guilt reliever for those of us that think we can do it all(career, family, social life) with out stress while wearing heels and pearls.

Ayelet's children apparently exist for the sole purpose of enabling Ayelet to assume the role of "Mother." She mentions the risk of "crossing over the line" into solipsism - that must be the understatement of the year. She marched into that country with flags waving, set up camp, and never returned.

Please, please buy this woman's book, and also write about it. If you don't, she'll probably strip herself naked and run screaming through the streets to get the attention she can't live without. Or think of something even worse to do to her kids.

I was enjoying this until this woman went on a pro Obama rant. Very tacky. I was looking for support as a stay at home Mom. So it was a big let down, to hear this broad go into a go Obama Socialism - Go Obama Marxist practice. As a Jew, I would think she would be against a President who is anti-semitic.

Overview

Subtitled "A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities and Occasional Moments of Grace," Bad Mother is a warts-and-all look at Waldman's experiences as a mother. (She has four children.) These types of books are like catnip to me. What mother doesn't want to learn that she is not alone in her misgivings about her mothering skills?

Waldman writes openly and honestly about a wide variety of topics, including:

* pursuing a career versus staying at home (Waldman gave up a high-powered career as a lawyer to stay-at-home ... only to find herself often bored out of her mind! HAHA! Don't I know it!)
* balancing household chores and sex roles with your partner (Can we ever really break through the "this is woman's work" and "this is men's work"?)
* breast-feeding (more on this below)
* judging other mothers (more on this below)
* the mother-son relationship and how it affects the relationship with your mother-in-law (I still don't quite measure up to how my husband's mom used to take care of him ... especially when he is sick.)
* dealing with your children's homework (where do you draw the line?)
* projecting your own fears and hopes on your children (Waldman writes about her outrage and subsequent attempt to ban dodgeball in her children's gym class ... but her children loved it. She was fighting a fight from her own childhood.)
* dealing with daughters and sex issues (Waldman explores her own sexual history ... and how she hopes her daughters don't make the same choices she did.)
* having an abortion for a child who might be born with genetic defects (This chapter, entitled "Rocketship," is easily the most heart-breaking and difficult to read.)
* arguing in front of your kids (They are listening ... don't fool yourself that they are not.)
* how honest to be with your kids (Just how do you handle the sex/drug talk if you want to be totally honest about your past but impart a "do as a I say, not as I did" message?)
* being a different mom for different kids (In other words, how she wasn't the same mother she was for her first-born as for her last-born.)
* handing down a genetic legacy to your children that is less than perfect (Waldman writes about her own bipolar disorder and fear of passing it to her children.)
* parenting a child who might be gay (This felt like the least genuine chapter to me; it felt more like a political essay than a personal one.)
* baby lust (Those tiny baby feet will get you every time!)
* wanting to protect your children from the ugliness of the world (This is an issue that Mr. Jenners and I struggle with. There is a fine line between keeping your children safe and making them "street savvy" and scaring them into thinking the world is an unsafe, bad place.)
* managing your expectations/hopes/dreams for your children. (I struggle with this every day, and I imagine it is only going to get worse.)

As you can see, the book ranges over a wide variety of topics and delves into some deep and emotional issues. I admire Waldman's honesty and directness. She really put herself out there with this book. I suspect that if you don't share Waldman's basic worldview (liberal), you might not care for much of what she has to say or appreciate where she is coming from in life. Yet I think most mothers would find some area of common ground with Waldman, and I think her message of "let's all be gentler with ourselves and one another" is one we should all take to heart.

Structurally, the book is divided into 18 different chapters, with each one functioning as a stand-alone essay. Most of the essays are very personal and specific to Waldman's life and background; yet I think she has a knack for making her personal experiences relatable.

My Final Recommendation

This is a thought-provoking and honest look at motherhood that will give readers lots to think about. Waldman doesn't hold back anything, and I appreciated her candidness and openness. I've read a few books on motherhood, and I found this to be one of the most provocative. The writing is good (even if she does tend to meander a little bit), and she has a very conversational writing style. She is often funny and flippant, which balances out the more emotional moments. If this is a topic of interest to you, I would categorize it as a "must read." However, Waldman's views come from a more liberal, feminist angle so if this doesn't mesh with your worldview, this book might not be the best choice for you. I'm giving it 4 stars.